MAXIMUM ASS

Stella Cartwright killed all 73 of her grandsons. They came at her in groups of two and three (and, on one memorable occasion, sixteen). They were trying to steal the golden monkey that was hidden underneath her kitchen sink. It was worth millions, and some thought that if you gazed into its eyes it would show you the future, including key scenes from the season finales of all the hottest TV shows. She wouldn't let anyone look at it.

At first they came at her politely, with flowers and tchotchkes and rare coupons, but she would put cyanide in their tea or cut their heads off with axes when they weren't looking. So they began to come at her with knives and pistols and grenades and bazookas. But she lived on the top floor of a very well-fortified building, and her apartment was full of diabolical technology, including a particularly vicious robotic spider. And so in twos and threes (and sometimes sixteens), the Cartwright boys came, and she cut them down one by one, or sometimes all at once with invisible odorless poison gas.